Consciousness
I was once engulfed in the depths of absence. The piercing light returned my soul to presence. Yet every so often I catch a glimpse of the underground. The shadows remain to give form to the otherwise obscure nature of eternity. One cannot be known without the contrast of the other.
i find myself sinking
more softly between
the fissures of life,
my soul becoming
gilded in gentleness.
“Always be yourself, express yourself, have faith in yourself, do not go
out and look for a successful personality and duplicate it.” - Bruce Lee
A weekend at New York Martial Arts Academy, Brooklyn, during the Sifu Chris Kent Seminar
Photography was that first tool of self expression that overtook me with its undefinable power to transform and cleanse the lens of my internal perception. It is a tool that can both refine or reinforce, depending on how it is used. If used in what I believe to be its higher purpose, photography can help you feel more fully grounded in the life you’re living, or even free yourself from your present reality, if that is what saves your soul in the short term. For me, photography helps me to see more clearly - not externally, but internally. The act of photographing, allowing me to re-see what I thought I knew, helps me to feel more involved and at one with the life around and within me. It is very easy to detach so intensely that the very experience of human-ness feels foreign, and while I find that helpful when clearing my mind and connecting to that higher spirit, it is not a state I wish to constantly exist through. In day to day life, I want to feel everything, to feel embedded into the very fabric of life that is all around and within me, to find no gap or separation between the seer and the seen.
Ah, how wonderful a teacher emotional pain can be, if we allow it! How marvelous the fear of what will happen, the grappling with moments of life when that dark heavy cloud refuses to leave you alone, how beautiful, how wonderful, if we allow it. Ram Dass called these types of experiences ‘grist for the mill,’ helping us to refine, refine, refine. Darkness helps the light to crystallize. Darkness helps to wake us up, to let us see how much light we were ungratefully basking in prior to its arrival, if we let it. Darkness is not inherently bad, for without it our dualistic minds cannot know light. The deeper the darkness, the stronger the light. So long as we are humans, we must work with our minds, so better than to wish for a life free of darkness (fear, anger, agitation, worry, doubt, etc.), enlightened are you who seek truth, to embrace all, to push away nothing, to allow all things to unfold naturally. Beyond the mind, there is no dark and light, beyond the mind, we understand they are birthed from the same source. All is one, but when we engage in this life, caught up in its game, duality pervades all. Learn to flow like water, to dance with the ebbs and flows. Even if life is not how you think it ought to be, trust that it is how it ought to be, as it is, in this moment.
There is much in this temporal world I do not know, but from the timeless center of the universe, where all is unknown, I know. (And herein lies the limits of language, for language is a poor, lowly tool when it comes to communicating the inner knowings of the soul). For of course anything unknown cannot be known, that is what the mind says anyways. Only those who ‘know’ the ‘unknown’ can know what ‘I’ ‘mean’ by such language. Remember, language is merely the humble servant, a finger pointing to the true essence of things.
In the deepest of darkness, eternal light revealed itself. Death is not the end, but a portal to another dimension, another plane of being.
This experience feels a cousin to that of Camus’ experience which inspired him to write that famous (often misquoted) sentence:
“In the middle of winter I at last discovered that there was in me an invincible summer.” - From Return to Tipasa
The future is unknown. We can either fear it or embrace it. If you find yourself stressed out about not knowing what will come next, you are trying to control the future. And what is the desire for control rooted it? Fear. Embrace the unknowing. We have survived this long, and our present moment has unfolded into where we find ourselves now. The general consensus I feel around me is that the world is growing increasingly darker, but that is no reason to loose ourselves to that shadow of fear. Is it easy to fall into the gaping mouth of eternal darkness? Yes, of course. It is not easy to withstand its power, and yet it is more than possible, with the tools of a strong spirit and quiet mind.
While I am spiritual, I was raised to be religious, and this whole idea of the future reminds me of one of my favorite verses, Luke 12:27 -
“Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.”
What can stress and worry add to the quality of our life? None. It increases our blood pressure, makes our mind race and fill with doubt, it throws us far from the subtle but powerful core of our spirit, of intuition, of our soul. Sit in silence until you find that silent center of your self, there all questioned are answered. In the silence, all becomes known through the unknown.
We’ve heard this phrase so often that our minds gloss over its essential significance and fundamental truth to our experience on this planet. That is the risk of something becoming overly saturated, we become numb to its divine subtleties. In order to resurrect those ideas and beliefs that are foundational to our souls, we must slow down and sink into the significance that those four words represent. To be alive is to be engaged with each and every experience, down to the subtle feeling of your hair falling over your ear to the thoughts that pass through the vast and mysterious ocean of your mind. We cannot change that which we are not conscious of, so in order to grow we must remain aware to our thoughts, feelings and physical sensations. The monk is one who watches the thoughts waft around ones mind until all attachment to thought and body ceases and the individual transcends all forms of separateness altogether. This is an enlightening experience, but if no one is home, so to speak, then how can we decorate our inner temple? For some, emptiness is the ultimate state of being, and while I believe it is important to know how to tap into that space of emptiness within oneself at will, I do not perceive it as the ultimate goal like I once did. Rather, I am focused now on harnessing the natural mechanics of our mind for personal growth and evolution of self. Watch the seasons, they do not cling to remain as they are, but effortlessly evolve from one state into the next. Everything changes and yet it all remains the same. That is the journey, to evolve our temporal reality on this planet into that of our dreams all the while knowing that at the center of our being, we are a timeless, infinite soul.
My own personal journey with actively creating my reality is about evolving my questioning of “what if my reality doesn’t match the reality that others hold?”. This questioning comes from a fear of being perceived as having a mental disorder if my version of reality is perceived as too different from someone elses. But we as individuals are not subject to the reality of others, we are not bound by anything but our own perceived limitations. Only you alone hold yourself back, only through your own accord can you attain that reality of which your highest self awaits your arrival. The paths of others may occasionally cross with yours, or maybe even run parallel, but know that the path is yours and yours alone to travel. You owe it to yourself to live an authentic life, free of fear of what others may think. You are your own temple, practice living in your authentic truth. To end with yet another overly saturated but essential phrase, “the truth shall set you free.”
Of all aspects of the human form, I have discovered that it is eyesight that I have most heavily and reoccurringly identified with the most. This was realized when I was sparring at the gym the other night, and my instructor reminded me to not lead with my head. I wasn’t even aware I was leaning my body forward, because I was focussed on seeing the target as close as possible. It was a reminder to identify and use the body as a whole and holistic tool - my arms and legs will always be my longest extensions to reach my target, the head remains behind the arms for protection but also so that I can see the whole picture. By keeping proper distance, I can view the scope of my entire opponent, from toes to head, and therefore set myself up best for attack and defense. Sight is essential, but is instead more properly used as a kind of background viewer, able to take in all visual stimuli while simultaneously acting as a way to keep the head out of danger from attack.
The version of myself that I am when in culture begins to feel like a prosthetic once I am able to gain some distance. When I get closer towards the space of timelessness, where the shifting sands of culture are non existent, I am clear. Here, there is no rollercoaster of emotions. Here, there is no personality, no distinction between ‘me’ and ‘you’, there is only the ecstasy of pure being. Here, in eternal unity, I am home.
But such a state I find cannot be maintained when living in the heart of contemporary culture, when you are always someone to someone else, when you have a job to perform, etc. The state of pure being exists in a non-hierarchally higher realm than the realm of culture. The culture-self is but an avatar that pure being experiences physical existence through. When one remains in the avatar for long enough, the culture-self begins to feel real and final. And it usually requires something tragic or heavy, some sort of unbearable pain to rouse us from this familiar automaton state, so that we may realize our true nature.
My view towards the culture-self is tinged in disdain and nihilism, and that is my own personal work to unravel in time. Maybe it is simply because I often view culture as a world of entrapments instead of a field of play. All I know in this moment, is that my disposition is best suited to the woods, in a quiet, slow place who nurtures peace and solitude. It is this kind of environment that feels like an extension of myself, or myself an extension of it.
“I love not man the less but nature more” - Lord Byron
All of my art is made from a space of love for the everyday - for sights and moments that often go unnoticed and under appreciated. These moments, predominantly of natural light, do not call out for attention, but are perfectly enlightened in their own presence - wishing neither to be noticed or to become more beautiful. These moments are perfectly themselves, and each time I witness them, it feels like a gift: I am peering into a realm accessible to all but entered by few. These moments are my ephemeral and ineffable gurus.
“The luminous and shocking beauty of the everyday is something I try to remain alert to, if only as an antidote to the chronic cynicism & disenchantment that seems to surround everything, these days. It tells me that, despite how debased or corrupt we are told humanity is and how degraded the world has become, it just keeps on being beautiful.” - Nick Cave
Meaning is not inherent, it is not something to be dug out and discovered, it is not distinct from ourselves.
Meaning is created from within, giving beautiful colors and intricacies to the canvas that is our very life.
Without meaning, inner life is hollow and lived in minimalist monotones.
With meaning, inner life is filled with the chaos of color.
The center of all is light, and if you see only darkness and rubble then you are looking from the outside, look from within and eventually you will become the light itself.
Walk to the edge of your mind,
Find the feeling of that edge -
Your feet teetering towards the teeming unknown,
The ground giving way to emptiness.
Now, JUMP.
Only those who have lost themselves completely
may hope to understand who they truly are.
The cost of mistakes are great
For the perception of anything as a mistake
Puts an unknown weight on your heart
Perceive the mistake as a lesson,
This will help your mind’s eye to look forward
Who are you? Beneath your thoughts, your wants, desires, hopes, beneath your appearances and status? This is the realm of questions I have lived my reality in for the last several years. Everything I was being was towards the answer of this question, and I found it, and I lived it, to occasionally rise to the surface of that sublime state of eternal nothingness to pay the bills, to drive a car, to socialize. I believed such a state of perfect emptiness was the ultimate ‘goal,’ with everything else being a distraction. That space gave me a time in my life the way a cocoon works for a butterfly. But now I see that I was not made to stay in that cocoon, though it provided invaluable and ineffable truths. From emptiness, one is able to re-create, to re-design oneself and that is the phase I find myself in - one of outwardness: developing likes and dislikes, particular goals and desires, rather than constantly being in a state of letting everything go.
Nothing of man made reality is infallible.
Everything of the divine is perfect & complete.
“He who jumps into the void owes no explanation to those who stand and watch.” - Jean-Luc Godard
The references of this linguistic verbalization touches a core inner state of essence. Ultimately, how one comes to the void does not matter, what matters is the experience of the void itself and what follows. To jump into the void implies an active choice, a conscious decision to throw oneself into oblivion. This sentiment is not one I can quite understand. For me, I neither jumped nor was pushed, rather I slipped into it unknowing of its presence until enveloped by it. I would not suggest to anyone to consciously seek the void, for when you come back - if you come back - you will not return as the same person. It is not a trip for entertainment, it is not temporary like taking a psychedelic or smoking weed, whose effects eventually wear off. No, the void is a complete and total destruction of who you once were, of everything you thought you knew about yourself and the fabric of your reality. Now, who would consciously choose such a path? Obviously, some do, whether or not they understand the consequences. But I would not suggest it. It is irreversible. There is no one ‘correct’ path, but I am a believer that when something is ready for you, it finds you. To seek something you cannot fully comprehend can be seen as either adventurous or foolish, and I cannot say which is true. All I know is that the natural path of ones life moves in accordance to ones soul, and to tamper with that path through ego-driven pursuits is not advised, for the ego manifests a world of uncentered confusions and illusions. No one but you can walk (or dance) your path, no one but you can lead the way, it is you and only you who knows which way to take. Listen to none but your heart, follow the call of none but your soul, and life will open itself to you in ways no ego-manifested world could dream of. But such is my path, we are each of us free to choose how and when to move.
“We are living in a culture entirely hypnotized by the illusion of time, in which the so-called present moment is felt as nothing but an infinitesimal hairline between an all-powerfully causative past and an absorbingly important future. We have no present. Our consciousness is almost completely preoccupied with memory and expectation. We do not realize that there never was, is, nor will be any other experience than present experience. We are therefore out of touch with reality. We confuse the world as talked about, described, and measured with the world which actually is. We are sick with a fascination for the useful tools of names and numbers, of symbols, signs, conceptions and ideas.” - Alan Watts
We must learn to expand our awareness of the present moment if we wish to live an enriching, soul-nourishing life. In the same way we expand our lungs when we take a full, healthy, deep breath in, we can expand our awareness of the present moment. A slow, deep inhale refreshes our senses, helping us to be more conscious of our internal state of being. So, we expand the present moment in a similar way, by breathing it in deeply, by tuning into its subtle frequencies. We can attune ourselves to the moment by focusing attention on our physical surroundings through color, light, textures or through our very own breathing. Find a way that works best for you, for we each experience and attune to presence in our own unique ways, there is no prescribed path to worship or follow. As we find our way to grow conscious of our experience with the present moment, our perceptions of the past and the future will naturally grow distant, their looming power will fade. The present moment will expand from feeling like a dimly lit alleyway being crushed in by the weight of the past and future and into a luscious meadow of vivid greens and crisp wind as a warm light washes our soul clean. Our preconceived perceptions of the past and future will not intimidatingly peer over our shoulders into our little moment of presence as they once did, for in the meadow of presence nothing but the here and now can be felt. Here, all is limitless, all is infinite, all is love.
Read the full lyrics of ‘Frisco’ by Little Dragon on GENIUS
[Verse 2]
I always try to set every course
(Every course, every course)
The fastest route without losing control
If I fall in and relax, will I float?
Let longings release so I see the whole deep blue sky
An honest experience of a spiritual human: caught between the ego’s desire to control and our soul’s nature to surrender. Culture screams to seek, heart whispers rest.
